By Teresa Tierney © 2012
Did
you get married believing it would be easy? Growing up with the Beatles’ mantra
“all you need is love,” the formula worked for us during our dating life: Dan +
Teresa = Happiness. Somehow, what seemed like a surefire equation for happiness
became a little more complicated once we got married.
There
was the more factor. We married young
and didn’t have a lot of money. So we bickered a bit about that. My wants didn’t
seem out of line. A few nice things and I would be happy. At one point I went through
the Penney’s catalog and tallied up all of my wish list. What a reality check. It
was tens of thousands of dollars. More money than I could even imagine
possessing let alone spending.
Even
in heaven, where all needs are met, a third of the angels wanted more and lost their spot in that perfect
place. That is strong evidence there is not enough of any thing to keep a person happy.
Then
there was the trouble factor – or
life as we know it. Blame it on fairy tales or an idyllic childhood or a strong
fantasy life, but somehow I reached adulthood thinking there are people on
planet earth without troubles.
I
spent too much time thinking my life was unfair when things did not go as expected.
Like when the first house we bought turned out to be next door to a rat trap. Like
when our second child was born with brain damage. Like when my husband was
unable to work for a year because of a panic disorder. I was unprepared for
what I saw as out-of-the-ordinary life events.
Perhaps
as parents, or as a society, we still believe it's possible for someone to have
a trouble-free life, so we don’t warn each other. Or perhaps they warned me and my immaturity
kept me from hearing it.
God
tells us in John 16:33, “In this world you will have trouble.” I have lived long enough to be convinced. There is not a
single person I know who has not had trouble to deal with. If their life looks
trouble-free, I just haven’t known them long enough.
But
the biggest challenge to any relationship has to be the self factor.
We’d
only been married a few months when I had a lightning bolt moment. I remember asking
myself, “Why do I think I am Queen Elizabeth?” I don’t remember it being a significant argument,
but it hit me that I always wanted my own way–whether it was reasonable or even
fair.
For
the first two decades of my marriage, I insisted on having my own way at every
turn, no matter the cost to my husband or my marriage. If I wanted to spend the
weekend at my parent’s farm–by golly that's where we went. If I wanted to take
a job working weekends, leaving my husband to function as a single parent, by
golly that's what I did.
What
a price we paid. We fought and bickered and made up and learned not to talk
about the issues so we wouldn’t fight. I spent most of those years determined
not become another divorce statistic. But there were days I was tempted to
believe in a world view that said divorce was the solution to my happiness
problem.
The
truth was, I needed to change, not my partner. But I was so focused on what I
thought Dan needed to do, I couldn’t see how I needed to change. Then at the
age of 40, a job loss interrupted my life. I finally acknowledged how lousy I
was at running the world and surrendered to God’s plan for me.
And Jesus took on all the tough jobs
I’d been giving Dan.
Dan
no longer had to be my Prince Charming (perfect). Jesus is the only one capable
of that. Now I know I need Dan to be my friend and partner—which thankfully, he
is.
Dan
no longer had to be my everything. God did not design him for that job. Now I realize
God is the only one who can meet all of my needs. (And I am a needy girl!)
And
God changed my heart.
He
helped me stop thinking my way was the only way. Not that I’m perfect by any
means – there are still times I want what I want when I want it! While I am
still a work in progress, at least now it is my desire is to consider Dan’s needs and wishes ahead of my own.
He
shifted my focus from the pursuit of happiness to a life of purpose. My focus
is less about me and more about others. These days I know if my happiness meter
is low, chances are my focus has shifted back toward self.
By
God’s grace, Dan managed to hang in there during the 23 years it took me to understand
what love is all about. Love without sacrifice is only love of self – you make
me happy so I love you. True love puts the other person ahead of self – and I
can’t do that without the power of God in my life.
We
now have the perfect equation for marriage: (Dan + Teresa) + God = All The Best
Things: Love, Joy, Peace and yes, Happiness.
Rx’d Reading: The Sacred Romance, John
Eldredge
