Abused Husbands - 5 Keys to Healing For Battered Men and Abusive Wives

By Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Abused men frequently recoil from looking at their circumstances because they assume doing so will result in leaving their abusive partner. And what they'd prefer to happen is for there to be real lasting changes in their relationship that ultimately save their marriage.

While it is true that most people will jump to the conclusion that, if you're with an abuser, leaving is your only option. The fact of the matter is that people can change and relationships are dynamic.
Here are some important things to consider if you truly want to salvage your marriage and keep your family together.

1) Get yourself some professional help to assist you in your own self-discovery. There is so much that you can do to prevent the maintenance of the cycle of domestic abuse. However, beware; you will not want to proceed expecting that it is your job or your responsibility to "fix" an abusive relationship.

2) The ultimate "fix" can only happen through the personal work of the batterer and must involve complete awareness and authentic ownership, accountability and responsibility for their battering behavior.

3) You and your partner must establish a "no violence" agreement that you both adhere to in all interactions with one another. This will require that your partner does not resort to verbal, emotional, physical or sexual violence under any circumstances-whatsoever.

4) The active decision to choose other ways to resolve conflict and the cultivation of these skills are critical to the success of any intervention. Core to this behavioral transformation is the ability to access and recognize one's emotions, express one's feelings and articulate one's needs in a proactive, responsible and respectful manner.

5) Celebrating a relationship climate based on mutual respect, honoring and the utilization of behavioral strategies to resolve conflict harmoniously will serve to solidify a new way of being with one another.

In the same way that one learns to use battering to establish an unequal distribution of power in the relationship, so can one learn relationship-enhancing skills and productive communication-interaction habits. Moreover, as your partner practices these skills with you and benefits from doing so, the need for outer control to experience personal value in the relationship is replaced with inner control. Ultimately, inner control becomes the source for maintaining internal potency and interpersonal satisfaction.

If you are in an abusive relationship and wish to interrupt the cycle of abuse in your home, seek individual professional help in domestic violence intervention for both you and your partner. And remember that change for each of you is always an inside job.

For more information on help for abused men, visit http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/abused_men.php and claim your Free Instant Access to survivor success eInsights. Dr Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps battered men and women recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. Copyright 2010 Jeanne King, Ph.D.
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Abused Men - 8 Tell-Tale Signs of Battered Men

By Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

If you think battered women are stuck in their mess, you haven't seen "stuck" until you have met a battered man. To me, it is so very sad. I attribute their being as stuck as they are to the fact that they have little to no social support and resources to assist them in ushering themselves to safety as do battered women.

Even worse, the social system surrounding them encourages then to shut up and stay put, because "no one will believe you anyway!" They are convinced that their victimization will be laughed at, ignored, ridiculed and dismissed. The conclusion these abused men draw from what they are told is: "why bother." And so, they remain stuck.

It's hard enough rising above the glue that binds abusive relationships, and then to get the response these battered men receive is a disgrace. Now, I am not talking about the male batterers who do a flip and pretend to be victims of domestic abuse. I am talking about the real abused men. These are the men who are systematically abused by their female partners.

Identifying a Battered Man
Would you know the difference between a "real" battered man and one faking it? If you are reading this article, you probably have an interest in understanding the concept of battered men. You've probably been told, by your abusive partner, that it's all in your head. So, let's take a moment to sort this out.

Here are some tell-tale signs that you are an abused man in a toxic, dangerous relationship:
1) Your partner uses verbal, emotional, psychological and/or physical abuse to get her way. It's her means of establishing and maintaining control in your relationship.
2) Your partner may punish and/or manipulate through the use of battering that can also involve threats of separating you from your children.
3) Your spouse is extremely jealous of your contact with other women, even when there is no basis for an extramarital affair.
4) Your partner seeks to control your time, attention, and your social life.
5) Your partner demands that things go her way or no way, leaving you with no other options other than to acquiesce.
6) Your partner insists that you assume blame for all discord in the relationship including her abusive behavior toward you.
7) Your partner may seek to isolate you from all sources of support outside of your intimate relationship with her.
8) Your partner demands your compassionate understanding of her, yet fails to offer empathy toward you.

If you identify with these tell-tale signs of battered men, seek to align yourself with people who understand how it is to be a man living in an abusive relationship. Through these ties, you can rally the emotional wherewithal to stand up against those who laugh at, ignore, ridicule and seek to dismiss your victimization. With the momentum of this support, you can break the paralysis of being one of many battered men.

For more information helping abused men, visit www.preventabusiverelationships.com/ abused_men. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. © Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention
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