By Teri Daniels
“What he did is
unforgivable. Don’t you agree?”
Shelly asks this question
nearly every time I see her.
I knew she didn’t
want to hear my answer, so I gave her the sad grimace she expected, allowing
her to continue to vent about her soon-to-be-ex-husband.
The first time she asked
this question, I gave her the traditional Christian response, “God can forgive
anything, and he can help us to forgive as well.” Shelly did not like my answer.
I knew her struggle
came not just from the pain of her husband’s betrayal, but also from the fact
that he never admitted to any wrongdoing. Instead he tried to shift all the
responsibility for their pending divorce to her.
Somehow in his mind,
he found a way to blame Shelly for his inability to hold a full-time job, his
concealment of the foreclosure proceedings and the final straw—his betrayal of
their wedding vows with an affair.
“The boys know what
their father did. I don’t know how they will ever forgive him.”
My response was to
tell Shelly I hoped her sons would be able to forgive him, for their sake. God’s
word calls us to forgive so that we ourselves will be forgiven—but even
scientific studies have shown how debilitating unforgiveness is to our mental
and physical health. MayoClinic.com lists reduced risk of depression, anxiety,
chronic pain, alcohol and drug abuse as just a few of benefits of forgiveness.
Every time I see my
friend, she wears a stiff mask over the pain that seems fresh every day. After
two years, divorce proceedings are finally underway. Her anger has been deepened
by the need to live in a state of limbo—married, but without a husband.
When I assured Shelly
that forgiveness did not mean she would stay married to him or ever trust him
again, she continued to call his actions unforgiveable. I realized she could
not even imagine forgiving her husband. She wanted to vent and she needed me to
listen. Proverbs 25:20 says that to sing songs to a heavy heart is like vinegar
poured on a wound. I wanted to bring healing, not vinegar, so I stopped singing
the song of forgiveness.
For now, I continue
to pray for Shelly’s emotional and spiritual health. I ask God to protect her
sons from the belief that some sins cannot be forgiven. I imagine a world where
her husband confesses his sin and asks forgiveness, but so far that has not happened.
It may never happen.
Even so, I believe
our all-powerful God can redeem every situation. I so wanted that for my friend
that I tried to take her there myself. But she is still in the process of
grieving her loss. Her heart is broken and she needs time to “bind up her
wounds” before she can focus on obeying God’s word. She has lost a husband, a
home, and even her future must now be re-imagined.
As her friend, I
stand ready to encourage her to forgive—when the time is right. I pray one day
soon, Shelly will share with me how God has helped her forgive the unforgiveable.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Teri Daniels is an aspiring writer, the mother of two sons who has been blessed
with three grandchildren. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska. You may contact her at TeriDaniels4G@yahoo.com.
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