Apology
- How to Deliver a True Apology
By
Arthur J. Grossman © 2011
Has anyone ever apologized to
you, and it seemed lackluster? Do some apologies sound more like excuses for
bad behavior? What is a true apology and why does the quality of an apology
matter?
Many attempts to make an apology
resemble the following:
- "I apologize for whatever I might have done."
- "If you were hurt because of something I did, I am sorry."
- "I don't know why you are so upset. If I did something, I am sorry."
- "Sorry if I did something to offend you."
What is the meaning of
"apology" and why do many apologies fail?
Ask others to define apology, and
you will likely receive a myriad of definitions. The definition of an apology
can also vary by culture. Aaron Lazare, in his book, On Apology, states that an apology is "an encounter between
two parties in which one party, the offender, acknowledges responsibility for
an offense or grievance and expresses regret or remorse to a second party, the
aggrieved."
The origin of apology comes from
the Greek word apologia meaning a
spoken or written defense. The bottom line is that many attempted apologies
fail because
1. They do not acknowledge and
accept responsibility for the offensive conduct/behavior.
2. They fail to express authentic
remorse for the bad conduct/behavior.
3. They fail to offer any ideas
to remedy the hurt.
How does one apologize
effectively?
Unfortunately, a totally complete
answer is more complex than the space I have for this article. In short, an
effective apology can be divided into four parts as follows:
1. Offender acknowledges the
offense;
2. Offender explains what he/she
did;
3. Offender expresses feelings of
remorse, humility, or shame;
4. Offender offers to make
reparations for his/her actions.
If an attempted apology does not
contain the four items listed above, it is probably not a good apology.
Why does a genuine apology
matter?
Effective apologies have the
power to restore broken relationships, while, a lackluster apology has the
power to drive a deeper gap between the offender and the offended. If one is
going to make the effort to apologize, it makes sense to craft the apology in a
way that it will be well received.
"Apologies, I have learned,
are perhaps the only way to heal, or at least to minimize, the harm of
humiliations." - Aaron Lazare
An offended person has
psychological needs, such as a restoration of his/her dignity and self-respect.
When someone feels humiliated by another, he/she can feel lower than human. An
effective apology can restore his/her position and help the offended person
feel equal again. In other words, it levels the playing field.
An effective apology can be a
strong conflict resolution tool. Many times, people who have suffered a harm
are merely looking for an explanation of what went wrong, someone to accept
responsibility for it, and an offering of some kind to make things right.
So, when you find yourself in
conflict with someone, consider whether an effective apology might help restore
the relationship. It might be the only thing you need to do to make things
right.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Arthur J Grossman is an Orlando Divorce Attorney with the
Orlando Florida law firm of Grossman & Grossman P.A. located in Winter
Garden. He holds a Master of Laws degree from the #1 ranked dispute resolution
program in the United States, The Straus Institute at Pepperdine University
School of Law. You can learn more about A.J. Grossman III at the Grossman &
Grossman P.A. website. http://www.thegrossmanlawoffice.com
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