By Amy Luster
1. Be patient with yourself and your partner. Each of you will experience your grief in different ways and often on different timetables. Feelings will vary in intensity and are likely to come in a random fashion, rather than proceeding in a linear manner. Accept the feelings that come without judging them. Recognize the distinctions in how you and your partner experience the grief process and support each other as best you can.
2. Postpone making any major decisions for at least a year after your loss. Avoid the urge to lose yourself in your work. Permit yourself time to grieve and heal. Although it may seem a tempting distraction, resist the urge to make any immediate, significant change in your life, as it will likely result in additional stress.
3. Ensure you are eating a healthy diet, getting adequate rest and include some form of exercise in your day, even a short walk in the beginning. Grief takes a great deal of energy. Make sure to drink plenty of water. Avoid drugs and alcohol, which will ultimately cause you to feel worse.
4. Expect your memory and focus to be off. Thinking of your baby will be foremost on your mind.
5. Let people know if their well-meant advice or platitudes cause you to feel resentful. Let them know what would be helpful to you.
6. Let others know how they can be of help. Loved ones wish to help, but often don't know how. Tell them, specifically, what would be helpful, such as: running an errand, walking your dog or simply sitting with you as a quiet companion.
7. Ask family and friends to mention your baby by name. Most parents long to hear that their baby will be remembered by others.
8. If you have other children, take time to explain what's happened in simple terms. "The baby was born too tiny to survive," or "The baby was very, very, very, very sick and was not able to get better." Anticipate that they may act out or regress to younger behaviors for a time. Be as patient as possible.
9. Know that it's okay for your other children to witness your grief. Grief is a part of life and tragically, it has become part of your family's present life. It is healthy to express your sad feelings in front of your children. At the same time, recognize and respect their limits. If you feel as though your pain is interfering with your ability to care for your children, seek outside support. Eventually, grief's overwhelming qualities will begin to recede.
10. Find a way for your family to remember your baby. He or she will always be a part of you and creating a ritual or place to honor him or her can provide healing. When you feel ready, consider ways to memorialize your baby.
Coping with the loss of your baby is an incredibly difficult task. Accept that there is no 'right' amount of time, nor a time table for grief. Rather, a goal is simply to get through this difficult time. Resist allowing anyone to pressure you into grieving according to their expectations. Coming to term with the loss of your baby can be a life-long process.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Amy Luster, M.A. is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in providing support to parents who have experienced child-bearing loss. Her work helps to build awareness about how such loss affects parenting. She works with Individuals, Couples, Families and Groups both in person as well as via telephone, nationally. She provides training to medical staff on the subject of Infertility and Child-Bearing Loss.
To learn more, visit her website: http://www.parentingafteraloss.com/
She can be contacted at: [mailto:amyluster@parentingafteraloss.com] amyluster@parentingafteraloss.com.
Article Source: Child Bearing Loss, Miscarriage, Stillbirth - Top 10 Tips for Parents
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