Losses Made Wins

By Lori Peters © 2012

The fact that I am the mother of six beautiful children astounds me daily. For a long time I feared I wouldn't have any children. I have lost two, and those experiences brought me to the lowest points of my life, emotionally and spiritually. The power of prayer, loving neighbors, and a healthy, expressive outlet helped to ease my suffering and care for others.

My husband Kevin and I wanted children but never really discussed how many we’d have. We also figured we’d have no problems conceiving them, but our attempts to get pregnant failed miserably, even with the help of a fertility specialist. We decided to take a break from trying—we were moving and became engrossed in our new environment.

In June 1996, I was about four weeks along before I noticed I had become pregnant. I checked out every book on pregnancy from the library and bought every pregnancy magazine to be had. I was already poring over baby names, too. To say that I was obsessed is an understatement.

The next month, I started spotting. This scared me for I knew bleeding during pregnancy was never a good thing. An ultrasound confirmed my fears. The screen showed my uterus had an empty sac that once contained a baby with a beating heart. The words “non-viable pregnancy” echoed in my brain. I don’t remember how I got home that day. All I recall is the utter desolation I felt about being a failure. Crying wasn't enough to wash away my pain.

I kept thinking how I hated God and myself. First, I couldn't get pregnant and then when I finally did, I couldn't hold onto it. What sort of God does this?

I felt a spiritual emptiness for months. As journaling had proven helpful to overcome difficulties, I started writing, but the usual prayers and musings I normally jotted down were elusive. I did not feel God’s presence, but I prayed I would. Attending church tortured me, but because my husband was faithful to his Catholic upbringing and I felt guilty staying home, I went with him to mass.

Around Christmas, I learned I was pregnant again. I did not want to face another failure. Each trip to the bathroom was scary, fearing I’d find blood again. I did not fully entrust this pregnancy to God.

My faith began to rejuvenate once I felt the baby move. I started saying daily prayers of gratitude. I delivered a beautiful and healthy daughter.

As the years passed, I became engulfed with the enormous challenge of raising five children. I also began trusting God again. It wasn't a lightning-bolt moment, but a series of small signs that God was blessing and loving me through my kids. I started talking to Him as I went about my daily duties.

I also started journaling again. Through that, I felt God directing me to set a better example for my children. Kevin and I were of two religious denominations. I could see the danger of confusion, especially as my oldest daughter began asking questions I could not answer. Because I was never attached to my own Protestant background, I began investigating Kevin’s. My research dispelled misconceptions I had about the Catholic religion. Mass started to make sense to me and eventually, I converted to Catholicism in 2004. As a convert, I was on fire for anything pertaining to the religion, voraciously reading any related material, asking questions, attending classes, and becoming involved in various ministries. I believe all this prepared me for yet another test in 2007.

Again, around Christmas, I was pregnant. We were about to announce our news when one morning in early January 2007, I awoke not feeling quite right. I felt a dull ache followed by spotting. As my condition worsened, I drove to the hospital, praying fervently and crying the entire time. By the time I arrived at the ER, I was immediately admitted and an ultrasound was done. Again, like the first miscarriage, no baby was detected. I had outpatient surgery to remove the remaining pieces of my lost baby. After waking up, I prayed and cried silently, caressing my stomach. This time, I was not mad at God, just sad for what could have been.

Unlike my first miscarriage, I sought someone to talk to other than my husband. I found a gentle and loving support group at the local hospital for people who had suffered miscarriage, stillbirth and early infant loss.
I also kept God close. I realized whenever God closes a door, He opens a window, meaning He had other plans for me. Those plans revealed themselves just a few months later when I was hired to run a crisis pregnancy center. The position enabled me to use my miscarriages to help others cope with pregnancy loss by sharing my experiences and offering comfort.

Three tools helped me cope with my miscarriages. The most important, especially with my second miscarriage, was constant prayer. I favor quick and conversational prayer as opposed to formulaic ones, with something as simple as “God, give me strength.”

Secondly, keeping a prayer journal was very valuable. Sometimes, the entries wrote themselves, as if the Holy Spirit had grabbed my pen. I was able to process my feelings and devise a course of action, even if it was just to get up and get dressed.

Lastly, getting support from people experiencing similar pain was highly helpful because I knew I wasn't alone in my grief.

With God’s guidance, I've learned that something positive can come from something negative and the loss can be a win if I use it to move forward with my life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Lori Peters, a former journalist, is a mother of 8 children, six of whom are living. In her spare time, she runs a crisis pregnancy center in Carlisle, PA, volunteers at her church, and hosts a radio show on life issues.

Grief After Suicide Loss

By Jill Lehman 

Grief after suicide is always complex. In addition to the characteristics found with other types of loss, suicide loss carries an additional set of burdens. In my experience, the grief that survivors experience is more complicated, more difficult, and more intense than the grief of clients coping with other types of loss. The consequences for those left behind are far-reaching and profound.

I'd like to share some insights I've gleaned in my work with suicide survivors. By understanding some of the unique characteristics of this devastating event, you can be better prepared to support a survivor as they struggle with the aftermath of a loved one's suicide.

Discovering or Witnessing the Death

For many survivors, the initial trauma of suicide begins when they discover their loved one's body. Survivors experience a "living nightmare" when confronted with the death scene. Death by suicide is always traumatic, but it is also frequently violent and bloody. Bodies of loved ones may be found hanging or drowned. Blood and other body material may be found on the carpet, the furniture, the walls or the ceiling. Bodies may still be warm, or stiff with rigor mortis. In the worst case, survivors may have even witnessed the moment of death itself.

Those who witness these terrifying events first feel disconnected from reality, followed by overwhelming fear and anxiety. Survivors never fully forget the sights, smells, and sounds of their loved one's suicide scene. In many cases, those who discover or witness a suicide may later exhibit signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). If a survivor is showing signs of PTSD or related problems, you can help by urging them to seek professional counseling as soon as possible. Many mental health professionals have specialized training in complicated grief, PTSD, and related disorders.

Potential Investigation by Law Enforcement

In most cases of suicide, law enforcement will play a role. There may be an investigation into the circumstances leading up to the suicide. For example, if a weapon was used, the police may want to determine if the weapon was obtained illegally. If the position of the body and/or weapon is deemed suspicious, there may be a homicide investigation as well.

After an investigation is complete, survivors may have to pick up the weapon that the decedent used from the police department. Finally, the spouse or next of kin will receive an autopsy report approximately one month after the suicide. The report will contain detailed descriptions of the suicide scene, including the condition of all body parts.

There are many ways you can help survivors in these situations. You can offer to accompany survivors to the police department. Having a trusted companion on these trips can be a huge relief to those in need. You can also arrange to pick up mail or answer calls for survivors and pass on the information when the time is right.

Potential Media Coverage

Depending on the circumstances surrounding the death, a suicide may make the evening news. Survivors may be inundated by phone calls from neighbors, coworkers, friends, and acquaintances who heard of the death via television or radio. Most survivors have trouble even putting sentences together after such a traumatic event. This tremendous violation of privacy only adds to a survivor's sense of confusion and disorientation, often prompting a reaction to withdraw. As a result, survivors often isolate themselves from many potential sources of support.

Media reports on suicide can also be a source of misinformation. For example, some media outlets may discover a recent loss of a job, or a relationship, and quickly attribute the suicide to these factors. When the media sensationalizes a suicide, they miss an opportunity to educate the public about the underlying factors of suicide, such as depression or mental illness. In some cases, such coverage can even act as a catalyst for "copycat" suicides.

If you have the strength and presence of mind to do so, you can volunteer to act as a liaison between the media and the survivors. This can remove a huge weight from the shoulders of the survivors, allowing them some privacy and a means to begin processing their grief.

Lack of Support

Suicide strains nearly all relationships and erodes the capacity to trust. Within families, there is a tendency to scapegoat one or more members. Outside the family, social relationships deteriorate quickly under the weight of the suicide.

It is during these times that your support can have a profound, positive influence on the life of a suicide survivor. Any support will help make the burden a little easier and will be remembered long afterward.

Stigma

The stigma of suicide continues to persist. Survivors worry about how others will perceive them. Some survivors fear they might be viewed as "defective" or in some way responsible for the suicide.

Remind survivors that no one is the sole influence in another person's life. We cannot control what others choose to do with their lives, even those closest to us. When the decedent chose to take their life, it was their decision alone.

The Emotional Turmoil of Survivors

There is no way to adequately prepare for a loved one's suicide. The grief itself is intense, and the healing process is slow. Survivors feel a variety of emotions, including shock, denial, anger, blame, sadness, and guilt. Some may even feel a sense of relief, particularly if the suicide followed a long and difficult mental illness.

It is very common for survivors to feel overwhelming despair that their loved one could find no acceptable solution other than death. Survivors also feel worthless, because the decedent "didn't think enough of them" to stay alive; survivors feel that whatever they had together with the decedent was, in a sense, meaningless. This further leads to a feeling of being rejected and abandoned by the decedent.

Almost all survivors are left with a legacy of unreasonable guilt. They ruminate on the days and weeks before the suicide, replaying events over and over to try to figure out what they did "wrong". Survivors blame themselves for not being able to anticipate and/or prevent the suicide. As a result, survivors feel like failures, with high levels of shame, guilt, blame and responsibility.

Ultimately, survivors are haunted by the question of "Why?" Even when the decedent leaves "clues", survivors will continue to search for answers. No matter how long and hard they search, there will always be unanswered questions.

Helping Survivors Heal

Remember that you cannot "fix" the problem. Sometimes, the most important thing you can do is just be present for survivors while they grapple with their emotions. Here are some additional tips for helping survivors heal through this tremendous loss:

Refrain from judgment; try to listen with an open heart. This is more difficult than it sounds. You may have strong feelings of your own that are in opposition to the survivor's. If you find yourself becoming angry, resentful, and/or judgmental, take care of yourself by removing yourself from the situation.

Allow grief to unfold naturally at its own pace. An individual's grief is just that - individual. The tendency in American culture to rush people through their grief is unhealthy and can lead to further difficulties down the road.

Respect survivors' need to tell and re-tell the story of their loss. This is a natural response to loss and a way for survivors to process through their grief.

Expect strong emotions. Powerful emotions will occur and will lessen in time. The best way to handle strong affect is to remain calm and grounded. If personal safety becomes an issue, remove yourself from the situation and call for additional help.

Gently suggest support groups and/or professional counseling. If possible, obtain literature from agencies and/or support groups in the survivor's area to give to survivors when appropriate.

Respect your limits. Helping others through grief can be a slow, emotionally draining process. Take time for self-care and to recharge yourself so you can be there for others when they really need you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jill Lehman is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Lafayette, California. She specializes in Grief and Bereavement, providing psychotherapy and grief counseling to individuals, couples, and families. She welcomes your comments and can be reached at http://www.anemptychair.com 

(c) Copyright - Jill Lehman

Article Source: Grief After Suicide Loss

"Different"

By Kristi Bothur © 2012

"Live with your wives in an understanding way..." 1 Peter 3:7 (NASB)

Boys and girls are different.

Such a basic fact of life, but so easy to forget, especially when we are in a crisis situation and expect those around us not only to understand how we feel, but also to feel the same way. And yet, there is nothing like a crisis to highlight those differences in how we react to stress and life's challenges.

When my husband and I went through a season of loss and illness several years ago, the best advice I got was from a bereavement counselor who told me, "Men and women grieve differently, and that's okay. You need to let each other deal with this in your own way." "This" was the loss of our baby girl in my second trimester of pregnancy, and my way of dealing with it was to cry, to read, to write, and to talk - a lot. Words help me to analyze and make sense of things that don't make sense.

My husband's way was different. He would

A Tisket, a Tasket, What’s in the Basket?

By Mary Jedlicka Humston © 2012

What would a teenage boy want to find in his Easter basket? More importantly, would he even want one? I didn’t want to cause any embarrassment, but under the circumstances, I thought it might bring him a tiny spot of joy. You see, his father had suddenly died just a week and a half before, shocking him and his seven siblings, as well as his grieving mother Mary, a dear friend of mine for over 25 years.

The dilemma of the Easter basket heightened on the day I planned to drive the three-hour round trip to visit Mary and to have lunch with her at a local tearoom. This would give us some personal time together beyond what the visitation and funeral Mass allowed the week before. Since Easter was only days away, I arranged purple and pink baskets for the three youngest girls still at home. Each one included a fruity lip gloss, funky-colored nail polish, a packet of Easter stickers, headbands, a small chocolate rabbit and, of course, several smaller pieces of candy.

Creating baskets for the girls was easy, but what would their 17-year-old brother like? I debated that issue the entire ten-minute drive from my house to the drugstore. Once at Walgreens, I hurried to the holiday aisle and stood, gaping at the mountains of toys, candy, stuffed animals and game selections and praying to find just the right item. My gaze swiveled back and forth, up and down the shelves.

Suddenly, there it was, a large, colorful box containing an equally large chocolate rabbit. Everyone loved huge hunks of chocolate in colorful boxes, right? I grabbed it and headed for the checkout line. I left Walgreens, satisfied yet hopeful that this Easter basket wouldn’t totally mortify him. I tossed in more candy alongside the bunny and drove to Mary’s home.   

After finally arriving, I hugged my friend, long and hard. Then, I distributed the Easter baskets to her daughters. The youngest immediately put on her headband, used the lip gloss and had one of her sisters apply polish to her toe nails.

When I showed Mary the basket for her son, she gasped. “How wonderful that you brought Matt the only thing he wanted for Easter…a chocolate bunny.”

            God is amazing. He cares about everything, even the smallest things like providing a chocolate Easter bunny for a teenaged boy who’d recently lost his father.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mary Jedlicka Humston has over 100 publications in newspapers, magazines, books and websites that include Liguorian, Coping with Cancer, Today’s Caregiver Magazine, Cappers, Julien’s Journal, TEA: A Magazine, Farm and Ranch Living, Our Iowa and a cover story for TOPS News. She is a member of the National League of American Pen Women, www.nlapw.org. Besides writing, she loves reading, yoga, drinking tea, walking, and being with friends and family. To contact Mary, email maryjedhum@gmail.com

Permission and Purpose

By Kristi Bothur © 2012

"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.”

Luke 22:31-32

When I was a child, one of my favorite playground games was “Mother, May I?” One person would be the “mother” and he or she would issue commands to the rest of us – “Take two giant steps” or “Take one baby step.” After each command, the other player would ask, “Mother, may I?” If the one in charge agreed, the player could move. If the player forgot to ask for permission, the ability to move was retracted.

Like this childhood game of asking permission, the Scriptures make it clear that even our archenemy Satan cannot unleash his attacks without asking God, “May I?” The book of Job opens